Strange thoughts about vomiting.

If asked what the worst feeling in the world was, I'd answer "vomiting".

I used to get severely car-sick when I was younger, and long car trips would result with me vomiting on my lap, the seat adjacent to me, or in a plastic bag (if there was one handy). In fact, I vomited so often, that if I travelled with family, nobody ever wanted to sit next to me.

I distinctly remember that the thought of the colour pink, black, or dust on the dashboard made me feel extremely ill (I have no idea why).

Anyway, prior to vomiting, I was always in a state of complete fear and anxiety. As a child, I remember sitting in the back seat and attempting to wrench the seat belt away from my body to lessen the constricting feeling in my chest. Whenever I felt like I couldn't control the nausea anymore, I'd indicate to my parents, "I don't feel so good". They would respond with a "just sit still", or a shrug because they were too busy driving. This only made me panic more. The lead up to the vomiting itself was drawn out and physically distressing (because who wants to feel on the edge of nausea for an extended period?), and I would always feel helpless and alone. 


To this day, I still feel extremely scared whenever I'm on the edge of vomiting. I actually haven't vomited in nine years; though, I have come close. In those cases, my fear of vomiting was so overwhelming that I somehow willed myself not to vomit. I say "will myself" because even when I started to gag, and literally feel my eyeballs pop out of my face, I somehow held it back by repeating in my head, "I don't want to vomit, I don't want to vomit, I don't want to vomit, I don't want to vomit". It's almost cowardly, because I'd rather feel well immediately after vomiting, rather than recover slowly by waiting for my body to pass the virus/infection/poisoning. In fact, I've oftened thought of people who are able to force themselves to vomit (when they're ill), or do so without any inhibition as brave.

Anyway, recently I've had bouts of nausea that I've had to mentally control. The strange thing is, I don't think I'm afraid of the physical act of vomiting itself anymore (I once came very close in an elevator in Vietnam and it wasn't scary at all), but rather the thought of doing it in an inappropriate place. For instance, when I was just walking around the city feeling ill, I kept thinking about where a good place to vomit was. Options would pass through my head as I saw them. The bin, the toilet, the drain, the sidewalk, under the tree? However, none of these were good enough. They were still highly inappropriate because people would be walking around everywhere, and how does one act while one is vomiting and others are watching? Also, once it comes out, what does one do? Are you supposed to cover it up with dirt? Clean it up? Surely, you have to clean it up right? Or do you just walk away like nothing happened? Even in my own home, I think about the best place to vomit, and only feel like it's okay to vomit when I've prepared myself in a good location with the necessary equipment (plastic bag, tiger balm, squatting position, etc).

Maybe I have an obsession with control and cleanliness. I think vomiting is one of those acts that exposes how vulnerable you are. It occurs when you are helpless to control your own body, and results in expelling something that is normally unseen and inappropriate in everyday life.

Anyway, it has gotten me thinking. Is it normal for people to think about these things before they're going to be sick? Does anyone else think about the logistics of vomiting?